"The mind is a dangerous tool if not guarded diligently. If left on its own, even the greatest of celebrations can turn to fear, discouragement and a loss of hope."
When I read the above quote today, I wished deep inside, I had read it five weeks ago. For the last five weeks, I have waded between hope and encouragement as I receive reports that our baby is growing and healthy, and deep discouragement over the fact that ultrasounds show the hemorrhage is still present (we've had three so far since the diagnosis, with another in two weeks).
I can truly celebrate that we have reached 17 weeks, and I am feeling stronger baby movements every day. But, if I don't guard my mind, my celebrations turn to despair as I allow my mind to focus on the presence of the hemorrhage and fear begins to rob me of the joy that comes with carrying this little one.
Could God choose to not allow this little one to join our family here on earth? Absolutely. We never know how long we have with any of our loved ones. Of course my prayer is that the hemorrhage will go away, the pregnancy continues to full-term, and we are allowed to raise this sweet baby.
In my previous pregnancies, my milestone markers were each trimester. I would give God thanks when I crossed that imaginary dividing line that got me one step closer to delivery and holding our precious babies. This time, I thank God at the end of each day for one more day to carry this baby. One more day to feel sweet little kicks. One more day of no bleeding. More so than ever, I have so much respect and reverence for God's role as the Creator of the universe and the Sustainer of life.
Psalm 139:13-16 Is such a favorite verse when it comes to fully capturing God's role as the Creator of life:
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
It is comforting knowing that our baby is well-known by our Heavenly Father. To Him, our baby is not simply a fetus. He sees our precious one, and oversees each little detail as it is formed. Our baby is not hidden from Him and He has already ordained our baby's days.
I know He is going before our baby and weaving together his/her story. That is something to rejoice over! I am really striving to not let any fear or discouragement rob me of celebrating what God is accomplishing. I am choosing to rejoice and celebrate each milestone day-by-day, and minute-by-minute.
What about you? Is God teaching you about an area in your life that you need to view from a perspective of joy rather than fear or discouragement?