Standing Guard...

"The mind is a dangerous tool if not guarded diligently.  If left on its own, even the greatest of celebrations can turn to fear, discouragement and a loss of hope."
                                                                                         --Holly McRae


When I read the above quote today, I wished deep inside, I had read it five weeks ago.  For the last five weeks, I have waded between hope and encouragement as I receive reports that our baby is growing and healthy, and deep discouragement over the fact that ultrasounds show the hemorrhage is still present (we've had three so far since the diagnosis, with another in two weeks).

I can truly celebrate that we have reached 17 weeks, and I am feeling stronger baby movements every day.  But, if I don't guard my mind, my celebrations turn to despair as I allow my mind to focus on the presence of the hemorrhage and fear begins to rob me of the joy that comes with carrying this little one.

Could God choose to not allow this little one to join our family here on earth?  Absolutely.  We never know how long we have with any of our loved ones.  Of course my prayer is that the hemorrhage will go away, the pregnancy continues to full-term, and we are allowed to raise this sweet baby.

In my previous pregnancies, my milestone markers were each trimester.  I would give God thanks when I crossed that imaginary dividing line that got me one step closer to delivery and holding our precious babies.  This time, I thank God at the end of each day for one more day to carry this baby.  One more day to feel sweet little kicks.  One more day of no bleeding.  More so than ever, I have so much respect and reverence for God's role as the Creator of the universe and the Sustainer of life.

Psalm 139:13-16 Is such a favorite verse when it comes to fully capturing God's role as the Creator of life:

For you created my inmost being; 
you knit me together in my mother's womb.


I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.


My frame was not hidden from you 
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,


Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.


It is comforting knowing that our baby is well-known by our Heavenly Father.  To Him, our baby is not simply a fetus.  He sees our precious one, and oversees each little detail as it is formed.  Our baby is not hidden from Him and He has already ordained our baby's days.

I know He is going before our baby and weaving together his/her story.  That is something to rejoice over!  I am really striving to not let any fear or discouragement rob me of celebrating what God is accomplishing.  I am choosing to rejoice and celebrate each milestone day-by-day, and minute-by-minute.

What about you?  Is God teaching you about an area in your life that you need to view from a perspective of joy rather than fear or discouragement?

His and Hers Adventures...

Part of the India team...my handsome fella is on the far right...

Last Wednesday the kiddos and I drove Brent to the Des Moines airport where we said good-bye as he boarded a plane for a trip...a trip to INDIA...for 16 days.  He is part of a 12 member team who are spending their days hiking the Himalayan mountains and praying along the way.  They are stopping in various mountain villages to serve the people and live among them for a bit before moving up the mountain to the next village.  This trip will be a challenge both physically and spiritually.  

In the minds of many people, praying through villages doesn't seem like much of a mission trip. True, they are not building houses or community centers.  They are not delivering humanitarian aid.  The concern of the team and the many teams who have done this trek before them is the spiritual darkness in these villages, where currently it is not safe to share the gospel.  They are building relationships with the Indian people and praying without ceasing that the doors will be swung wide open in India so the truth will penetrate the darkness and despair.  Sure, the team could build houses (and don't get me wrong, I certainly see a place for a ministry such as this), but they are far more concerned for the lost souls in India.  They long to see the people of India under the shelter of the wings of the Almighty.

families saying good-bye to the team...

This is an adventure for both of us as Brent's never been out of the country, and we've never been apart for more than a few days at a time.  For me it's an adventure in parenting skills, patience, and a challenge to keep the home front running smoothly.  The kiddos are doing really well in Brent's absence.  Eva still believes her dad is gallivanting around on an airplane, and Ethan said his dad moved to India.  Thankfully neither circumstance is true.  They miss him the most at night during our bedtime routine, as Bible story time has always been his gig, but they don't seem to mind my stories of Elisha too much even if I'm, "doing it wrong," most of the time.  I've had to break-up a couple of fights, but overall they are doing great and we're having a lot of fun together.

As for me, I'm a relatively self-sufficient person who likes to keep my daily routine, so I'm not afraid to do things on my own for a while.  The other night, we had one of our lamps quit working (truth be told the kids knocked it over during a heated brawl and I couldn't get it to work again).  My first thought was to just buy another lamp, but then my cheap side kicked in and I figured there must be a way to repair the inner workings.  Home Depot came to the rescue, and after a few minutes in the lighting department, I came out with the parts I needed and fixed the lamp.  Brent is totally our household jack-of-all-trades, but he may be out of a job as far as electrical work goes.  Just kidding.  I have a 'honey-do' list a mile long waiting for him when he gets back *evil laugh*.

.

Even though I know this time apart has been good for both of us in various ways, I am SO READY for him to come home (we still have eight days left).  I just miss our daily interactions, our little inside jokes, and our evening dates on the couch hanging out after the kiddos are in bed.  And, quite frankly, he's handsome as all get out, so I miss his face!  *Sigh*  I love him.

I know he is going to come back a completely changed person, so my prayer is that God will "catch me up" spiritually so that we can be united in the new passions and desires God stirs in Brent's heart.

Overall this is simply an exciting time and I can't wait to hear the stories, see what God is doing and how He is moving in India and the hearts of the team.

Please pray for Brent and the 11 other members of the team.  Pray for their health and safety during the trek and for God's light to shine in a darkened world!

**P.S.  A few friends have asked how my pregnancy is going so far.  The update is that the hemorrhage is still present, but that the baby continues to grow and remains healthy.  I am nearly 17 weeks now, and am feeling a bit stronger movements, so that is very encouraging.  I will try to write an update very soon.  Thank you for praying for us and baby Jackson!!!  It means more than you know!

Meatless Monday...It's Baaaaaaaaack...

I can't believe I am rejoining the world of normal eating again.  I didn't think the sickies would ever go away, and except for the rare sneak attack that sends me running for the bathroom unexpectedly, I'm back to what is somewhat normal.

For the last eight weeks, mealtime has been on Brent's shoulders with me asking, "Is it over yet?" As I huddled on the couch away from the cooking smells.  Imagine his surprise when he walked in the kitchen this weekend to find me at work getting our dinner ready...a REAL dinner!

I decided to try my hand at a semi-homemade ravioli recipe I found on A Small Snippet.  It's a little more work than simply opening up a box of pasta and boiling it, yet still relatively easy with the help of pre-packaged wonton wrappers found in the refrigerated section of the produce department.

I typically can't leave a recipe well-enough alone, so I did add a couple of things to suit our family's tastes.  To the ricotta filling, I added about a cup of chopped fresh spinach to sneak in some veggies, and the kiddos didn't even mind!  Anytime I have a ricotta based dish I usually add just a dash of nutmeg to the ricotta mixture.  It sounds crazy, but it really brings out the flavor of the ricotta, which usually is a bit bland tasting.  Other than those two additions, I pretty much stuck to the recipe.  She did not list measurements for the seasonings in the filling, so I just kind of guessed and 2 tablespoons of each seemed to be about the right amount for our family, but really you can't go wrong with a little more or a little less.

Instead of topping with a heavy sauce, the recipe called for a simple drizzle of olive oil, a few toasted walnuts, some grated Parmesan and a bit of fresh basil.  I totally recommend this!  It was so delicious.  I hope you give it a chance!  I do think the ravioli would also be great with a homemade tomato sauce or even an alfredo, but definitely try it her way first.

This meal was definitely a hit with our family.  Our kids ate it up and then asked for seconds!  The ravioli was even delicious warmed up the next day for lunch.

I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

Semi-Homemade Spinach and Ricotta Ravioli with Toasted Walnuts

s

Ingredients:

15 oz. Ricotta

1 C. mozzarella

handful of chopped spinach

2 Tbsp. oregano
2 Tbsp. basil
2 Tbsp. parsley
2 Tbsp. Italian seasoning
dash of nutmeg
kosher salt and pepper to taste
1 Tbsp. olive oil
1 package of wonton wrappers

Finish With:
chopped toasted walnuts
grated parmesan
fresh basil
drizzle of olive oil

Directions:
Bring a pot of salted water to boil.
Combine ricotta, mozzarella, spinach, seasonings and olive oil in a bowl.  If mixture seems a bit dry, add a little more olive oil to keep things moist.  Taste and adjust seasonings according to your liking.

Sorry.  I used a good bit of the cheese mixture before remembering to take a pic!

Place a small amount of the cheese mixture in the center of each wonton wrapper.  A teaspoon or slightly more seems to be about the right proportion to keep the filling from oozing out when boiling.

Dip your finger in a bit of water and wet all of the edges, then fold into a triangle and press the edges together to seal.

Drop the ravioli into the boiling water about four or five at a time. I watched until the ravioli rose to the surface and then boiled for about another minute or so until tender. 

Remove the ravioli from the boiling water with a slotted spoon and repeat with remaining ravioli.  I tossed my cooked ravioli with just a bit of olive oil to keep them from sticking together before serving.

To serve, top the ravioli with your favorite sauce, or with walnuts, basil, parmesan cheese and a drizzle of olive oil.

Enjoy!

The One About Giving Up Control...

I'm just going to get right down to it.  No fancy intro.  No inspirational word picture to set the stage.  This week  we received some news that is not the greatest regarding our pregnancy.  Early Monday morning, I woke up to a large amount of blood.  Brent took me to the ER, where after some testing and an ultrasound, they determined I have a subchorionic hemorrhage.  The good news is the location.  It  lies just above the cervix and thus is away from the placenta, where it could force the placenta away from the uterine wall, putting me at a greater risk of miscarriage.  The not so good news, is the size.  It is roughly 5cm (2 inches) putting it at about the same size as my pregnancy.  The whole time in the ER, we were praying for two miracles.  First, that the bleeding would stop or slow down, and second that our baby would still be alive.  God graciously answered both of those prayers so we give Him the praise.

I am still spotting and occasionally have larger amounts of blood, which could be good as the hemorrhage releases the blood instead of building up, but frankly, bleeding in pregnancy is never a 'good' thing.  Luckily, because of the position of the hemorrhage, it is not blocking nourishment to our baby, and so we have a very healthy baby right now, who is growing, moving and has a strong heartbeat!  We had an ultrasound yesterday, and it was such a gift to see our little one, fully developed and doing acrobats. I praise God for the opportunity to see those beautiful tiny hands and feet!  I am not on bed rest, I am just to take things easy, so no heavy lifting or marathon training ha!

When we first found out, I was desperately seeking wise counsel and encouragement from the doctors and specialist.  I wanted someone to guarantee me of our baby's ability to survive.  And you know what I received?  Two doctors gave me a positive outcome, and two told me to be prepared for the worst.  I was left feeling discouraged and desperate.  I came home and sobbed, then I remembered a scrap piece of paper in my purse where I had written some verses down to share with a friend.  I spent my afternoon in silence, reading God's word, praying and releasing my fears to Him.

If you don't mind I would like to share a couple of them with you:

John 14:27

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I realized that I was looking in the wrong place for my peace.  I was desperate for the doctors to give me hope...but there is only ONE who is the giver of hope.  Our Heavenly Father.  He is the Father of all peace and comfort, so why was I looking to the world to provide that for me?  I was also reminded of something else.  Fear is not from God.  He is not the Father of fear...He is the Father of peace and comfort and hope.

Romans 15:13

"May the god of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

I just cannot tell you how encouraged I feel.  I was thinking back to something Job said in the Bible (but, believe me, I in know way am identifying myself with Job's trials) he basically said, God's mind and purpose has never changed and whatever He wants to do, He does.  He controls our destiny.  

While I don't completely understand the purpose in all of this today, I can say that it has caused me to do one thing that God longs for each of us to do...release my control to Him.  There is nothing I can do of myself to change outcomes in my favor, but I can thank Him for every single day I get to have with this baby, and I can rest in the fact that whether the outcome is in my favor or not, He controls my destiny.  His ways are higher than mine, and His plan is to prosper me and not harm me.  To give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).  

I hesitated writing this post, because I don't want to convey the wrong thing.  I am not looking for sympathy or attention.  I am praising God for the hope He is giving me each day!  I have shed many tears, but feel at such peace about this whole thing right now.  I have searched God's word and am learning to give up control.  Right now we have a growing, healthy-baby, and that gives me so much hope!  We all have pain and trials, it just looks different for each of us.  I pray that you are encouraged by God's words of hope as I have been!

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.

It's Been A While...

My name is Nikki and it's been nearly a month since my last confession.

Friends this was a much needed break as things have been rough in the Jackson house.  We're talking dirty laundry piling up, dishes that need washed, kids who need to be schooled, a house that has needed some serious attention, and a sweet hubby who has been trying to be Mr. Mom in the middle of the mayhem.  Now, one may think I'm not pulling my weight around here.  And you'd be right.  I've been hanging out on the couch...sick.  Yuck.  But it's for a good reason...

Coming mid-November...

My first thought when I saw those double lines on the stick? (okay, in full disclosure...5 sticks later)  We will now be outnumbered.  I'm sure the joke's on us, but right now we're pretty stinking excited!  In November I may be more dazed and confused.

So, while I've been...ummm...'working'...the blog has totally taken the back seat.  Meatless Monday?  So not happening for a while.  The thought of listing ingredients for Meatless Monday about sends me over the edge.  It will definitely be back...maybe in a few weeks.  Ha!  Oh, and Thrifted Thursday?  Yeah...right now I'm lucky to get out of leggings and t-shirts.  I love you all too much to subject you to that hot mess.

Posts may be a bit sporadic for a bit, but when this fog called morning sickness lifts, then I'll get back to the grind.

The kiddos are way excited and have already put in their gender requests and name choices.  Ethan wants a boy and would like to name him, "Gadget".  Eva would like a girl and is requesting the name, "Latte".  I have vetoed both names.  Although, I do see the humor in yelling across the parking lot, "Latte!  Get over here right now!  We don't run around the parking lot!"  There's something just a little awesome about that.  But, no.  I definitely won't go there.  Maybe we'll just call the baby "latte" until he/she arrives.  That might be okay.

I usually get asked a couple of questions and I'll totally answer them here because I'm pretty much an open book...

1)  Will you find out the baby's gender?
No.  We're crazy like that.  We didn't find out with either the little Mr. or Miss and we totally LOVE surprises!

2)  Will this baby's name start with the letter 'E'?
Depends.  We never intended to go with all 'E' names.  Eva was originally going to be Avery but after she was born she looked nothing like an Avery, so we were back at square one in the name department before settling on Eva (oh, and in case you're wondering, we do not pronounce her name 'Ava' or 'Eh-va'.  We pronounce the long 'E'.).  If baby numero tres is a boy, his name will start with the letter 'M'.  If a girl...well, we do have two 'E' names we like, but we haven't nailed it down yet and it certainly doesn't have to start with the letter 'E' to make the cut.  Very long answer sheesh!

3)  We know your house only has two bedrooms.  Does that mean you will be moving before the baby comes?  
Again, we're crazy, but no.  We are not moving.  We LOVE our house, neighborhood and location so much that we are not moving.  Plus, our neighborhood is a melting pot and the best place for us to do ministry right now.  Ethan and Eva share a room and will soon be getting bunkbeds.  Baby number 3 will sleep in our room until he/she sleeps through the night and then all three will share a room.  Sort of like the Darling family in Peter Pan! Ha!  I'm actually sort of excited to have all of them share.  Sure, we'll have to move eventually, but for now we're staying put.  Hopefully one day I'll do a house post and give you all a little tour of our sweet bungalow we call home!

photo courtesy Disney

So, that's it in a nutshell.  I'll be around kind of here and there, but hope to get back to writing soon!
In the meantime, enjoy this video of Brent and I letting the cat out of the bag with the kiddos.  To set the stage for a positive reaction, we took them out for ice cream...it worked.  Oh, and pay no attention to the fact that the little Mr. is eating his styrofoam cup...I promise we feed our children something other than styrofoam.

Meatless Monday...Fail

Today I've been sort of wracking my brain on what to share for Meatless Monday since last night's dinner was a huge fail (Cheesy Quinoa Cakes= Greasy Crumbled Mess).  I sort of had high hopes that the Quinoa patties would knock my socks off, but after trying many different varieties (black beans, lentils and now quinoa) I'm beginning to think unless it's beef, it doesn't belong in a patty.  I know.  Sort of goes against my meatless standards.  I will give it one last try soon and will reveal my final conclusion.


So, with no wow-factor leftovers, I was forced to make a sandwich for lunch today.  I had some homemade guacamole on hand, some veggies, flat bread and monterrey jack cheese.  I figured surely this would make some kind of a good combo.  It was good.  Actually, it was awesome!  The kids looked longingly at my sandwich and asked for one bite.  Knowing that their bite equals three-fourths of my sandwich, I thought about saying, "No, my loves.  This is mommy's delicious sandwich, finish your peanut butter."  But, I remembered the whole sharing thing...so I shared.  And they loved it too.  They also finished it :(

Grilled Guacamole Melt

1 whole wheat flat bread circle, cut in half (could also use pita pockets or tortillas)

Smidge of butter

Thinly sliced monterrey jack cheese

2 Tbsp guacamole (recipe below)

4 thin slices of tomato

Thinly sliced red onion

2 Tbsp. shredded carrot

1)  Lightly butter one side of each flat bread half.

2) On one half of the flat bread layer the cheese.  Spread with guacamole and top with veggies.  Top with other half of bread and grill buttered side down over medium heat until golden brown.  Flip and grill the other side until brown and cheese is melted.

3) Eat in hiding, so you don't have to share.

Guacamole

2 Ripe avocados

1 roma tomato, diced very fine

1/4 C. red onion, diced very fine

1/4 C. cilantro, chopped

1/4 tsp. garlic powder (more or less to taste)

1/4 tsp. kosher salt (more or less to taste)

2 Tbsp. lemon juice

1 seeded jalapeno, chopped fine (optional)

Combine all ingredients and mash until smooth (or slightly chunky).  Chill, wrapped tightly in plastic before serving.  To store any remaining guacamole (but seriously, who has leftovers?) place in a small ziplock bag, being careful to remove all air from the bag creating a tight seal against the guacamole to prevent browning.

Thrifted Thursday Just A Smidge Hippie...

I would consider myself one of those people who goes through style phases.  There was the turtleneck phase in middle school, where all I would wear were turtlenecks in every possible color.  The t-shirt phase.  The flannel/grunge + Doc Martens phase (I was fairly tame with this one...).  The preppy phase. The cardigan phase.   And then the cardigan phase reborn 10 years later.  


Then there was the vest phase... my freshman year of high school, I had these retro vests I would layer over my outfits.   They were actually pretty cool because they were vintage and were handed down to me from my grandpa.  But, sadly, somewhere along the way, I lost interest in the vests and gave them away.  Hands down my biggest fashion mistake was giving away those vests.  Not only because of their sentimental value, but they fit perfectly (my grandpa is a slight man) and were the perfect combo of menswear mixed with my girly style.  I've learned my lesson.   If something goes out of style, but I still really love it, I'll hold on to a couple of my favorite items for when fashion comes full circle again.


Several weeks ago, a good friend handed down to me a denim vest.  It was way cute (AND still had the tags on!) but I wasn't sure I could pull it off nearly 20 years later.  I sort of just stashed it away in my closet until yesterday.  I looked it over and decided maybe I could pull off a modified "hippie" look with it...

vest:  GAP hand-me-down

blouse:  super old

jeans: The Limited thrifted

necklace:  gift from a friend

shoes:  Lucky Brand thrifted

It was actually fun to put together an outfit from my past with a few modern twists...and of course thrifted and free is always a winner in my book!

What about you?  Did you go through any fashion 'phases'?  Have you revisited a style from your past?